Monday, February 06, 2006

Confessions of a lunatic - I

Sometimes I feel like killing myself. Sometimes I feel that running for all that leather is just not worth it. Somewhere, sometime, someone is being born.

The intricate patterns on the wall which might be formed if someone cut off my head would be fascinating, I am sure. Too bad I would not be around to see it. How fascinating would it be?

I am sure that the cut might not be clean, for there are very few samurais who could do the job perfectly. And anyway, it would be a painless way to go. I do not want that to happen.

Would it be too off the point to state that it is my fantasy to be tied on all fours, then have the flesh gently cut open on my body, having that filled with smouldering lead, and then lie me down on burning coals?

When I was in training, I was training to ignore pain, ignore cuts and bleeds, and concentrate on the job at hand. Eye of the Tiger, was it? Yes, that was it. Get the job done, then get out. Do not hang around like a stupid fool.

Ignoring pain has been a routine with me nowadays. I can put off lighted cigarrettes with my palm. I can drive nails through the board with my bare hand. I can break through ice blocks. I have survived multiple abrasions, not when I was at the peak of my regenerative capabilities, but when I was a teen.

I would ignore this pain. I would come out unscathed. I would make it on my own. I would be there when sheneeds me to. I would be the pillar in her life which no one in my life could ever be.

She needs to be protected. She is too vulnerable to emotions. She is too vulnerable to preying eyes. If anyone dare touch her, I would ensure that they go through the same ritual that is my own fantasy.

I love her. God help me, because I am helpless. As someone says "Rise in Love.". It is strange how movies reflect so much of what we try to escape, the reality. Is it not true that we say "Fall in Love"? I think that the whole concept of falling in love should be changed. Falling is down, is an inherently negative concept, and therefore, aptly should be changed to Rising in love.

I hate myself for being this nice. Sometimes I lose my faith in the words that "Good Things happen to Good People". I have been hurt time and again by people whom I expected the least from. Why cannot these people just leave me alone?

I hate my name. Hate it so much that I cringe when I hear it being called, even by my mom or close friends. I want nothing to do with my name. I am much happer as Sagnik or Evolution.

Wish I could make someone put one f******ng bullet through the head, and see the brains splatter on the walls. Oozing down from the ridges of the tiles, seeing that face drop down would make me calm.

Killing is not how I operate. But I would do so if I am threatened.

Love, laughter n keep the Faith



Nahuatl said...

What is this?? :-?

I don't like this post at all.

EvolutioN said...


your comments are most welcome. however, that is the way I felt at that point of time...

I cant help that, Can I???

Love, laughter n keep the Faith



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