Monday, May 30, 2005

The Whatever Diaries... Part III

Some people have asked me why I call these the Whatever Diaries and whatever happens to the diaries in the middle when I write the usual bullshit that I can think of... I dont think I need to answer these queries. But I am gonna tell u guys nevertheless. I call these The Whatever Diaries because they are just that... Whatever!

I write because I like to write, not because I am forced to. Cathartic or not, I feel very strongly about some issues, and its then tgat I start writing. Like today.

I am going to leave Reliance in about 48 hours from now. What have I learnt? Literally, a lot, from humility to anger to the corporate culture, all that and more has been this crash course of mine. And there is new things still to be learnt. Am I happy? Yes, I am happy with the work that i have done here.

But I am not happy leaving. I would hate going back after all that I have achieved here. The worth of a man, I believe is judged by the work that the man is doing. This has not, will not, and was never a criteria for selecting a worthy man in NUJS. Like my diatribe on the Yahoo Groups, I would reiterate my stand on the matter. In NUJS, the only thing that works is money. You got money? wow, you are my best friend. You haven't got money? Bad luck pal, please move ahead in life. This line is busy as far as you are concerned. Thanx for calling!!!

I believe that a spade is a spade is a spade. Some say I am brutal. Some say I am animalistic. Some say I am cruel. To all those who do, I have just one question to ask, have you been raped by your own cousin? If you haven't, shut up. If you have, instead of asking me why I am doing whatever I am doing, ask yourself why you are such a wimp and prefer to sit there sucking your popsicle, never desirous of leaving your thunmb rule go...

Some even have questions as stupid as "The blog is a public forum, you dont feel ashamed of writing all this here?", looking at me as if I am a lolly-tongued alien waiting for the right guy to come along and allow myself to devour him. To all those who do, I have just one question. Why should I be ashamed? I have nothing to be ashamed of. I was a kid, what? about five, six??? Screw the meaning of sex, I didnt even have erections then man!! Guess I was the vulnerable one... still remember the hissing voice telling me "Dont tell anybody, I have a nice game... come here, I would show you..." Titillating? I guess not... Disgusting? You bet...

Now that this guy (Yeah, it was a guy) is married, I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him for making me touch him. I hate him for groaning as he came into my palm. I hate him from the bottom of my heart. It is just that its all so pointless. I could kill him, now and here. I could finish of with the demons inside me. What would it gain? He's got a kid now. She does not have anything to do with it. Why should I punish her? But there is something that I would do. I will destroy him, financially, morally... With each passing day, the fire just grows stronger. All pervading. All consuming.


I guess this is a purgatory, a place where I cleanse myself of my sins. A place which is registered exclusively for those times when I wanna let loose some. No offence to anybody in particular, but this mothafucking world sucks man...

But on the other hand, I do believe that good people do exist in this world. There are people there who are ready to die (yeah, I am talking literal here) for you. And it is those times when it gladdens your heart. I dont quite know what it is in people to be good in such times of evil, but there are. I am not a philosopher. I do not have a stone, neither do I perform voodoo. I am not evil. I am just defensive. Is that my fault? Naah, I dont think so. That cant be so. I cant be crucified for being a kid... if I was sexually appealing to a guy who was about three times my age, am I responsible?

Which brings me to the topic of Child Sexual Abuse. It is fashionable to talk about CSA. It is fashionable to talk about what the children might have gone through after that incident. How she might be talking to the voices in her head. How she must be cringing every time anyone touched her. How she would get afraid to get into the shadows. All of that, while being true, is just that, fashionable. It makes me mad when people say that he is an activist for children's causes. They are not. They cannot be. Only people who have gone through the experience can speak of it. And live to tell the tales. That is the raeson why I believe it should never be under cloaks. Throw off the shackles of inhibition, those who have gone through the times, and speak about it. Scream, shout, tell the world what happened to you. Take a stand, like I took a stand. There would always be people who believe you. There would always be souls who share your pain, your surges, your agony.

What sets me apart from all the others is the fact that I have had the time of my life, even with the demons in my head. It has been painful. But I guarantee you all this time, the pain is not yours all the time. There would be others who have the same pain. They understand. And believe me, they love you. Be bold. If you cannot shout anywhere else, shout in the anonymity of the web.

It helps, believe me.

Love, laughter n keep the Faith



Debalina said...

Are you sure it helps ?

It doesn't ...sometimes, you just wish, you could slap that person, beat him till he bleeds and kill him nad let him rot namelessly....

Sometimes, you just feel you could roll back times and just undone everything..

But then..wishes are never granted !

Some people have directly and indirectly said lot of things about me publishing my daily musings and whatever I feel like !! I care ?

EvolutioN said...


It does. Believe me. At the end of every writing, I feel relieved that I have let it out of my system. There are some times when you just need to let it go. You just cannot hold on for the sake of holding onto something. It is then that screaming helps.

As for revenge, I guess I am feeling just as strongly about it as you are. Its just that I would take revenge which is much more meaningful. Physical hurt can be repaired. Bleeding can be stopped. I would much rather finish him off so badly, financially, morally, ethically, that he never ever gets to recover again.

Love, laughter n keep the Faith


Sagnik Nandy said...

khub bhalo likhechis post ta - very well written (smiley post korey post ta spoil korchi na)

EvolutioN said...

thank you Sagnik... You dont know how much your comments mean to me.

Sagnik Jr.

Rusha said...

I agree with Debalina.Even talking about it dosent help sometimes.Shouting it out does.I've seen one guy use the sympathetic story as a lure into a realtionship.

I share similar experiences.There is also a huge probablity of the abused to turn into an abuser.Its like "Its happened to me, I've suffered, so should others".Its a chain. Most Child abusers were abused as kids themselves.Its not that Im trying to defend them, just trying to find the causes.

We played a truth circle game once during stayover at a frinds place. This was way back in the 9th standerd.It came out that all bare one had similar experiences. Guys, Girls.All of them. Your right, we are not alone.

Grafxgurl said...

Hey Sagnik2....thanks for coming by my blog...i dont know you... but heres a *hug*...


Take care...
abaar da-kha hobay.


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