Some people have asked me why I call these the Whatever Diaries and whatever happens to the diaries in the middle when I write the usual bullshit that I can think of... I dont think I need to answer these queries. But I am gonna tell u guys nevertheless. I call these The Whatever Diaries because they are just that... Whatever!
I write because I like to write, not because I am forced to. Cathartic or not, I feel very strongly about some issues, and its then tgat I start writing. Like today.
I am going to leave Reliance in about 48 hours from now. What have I learnt? Literally, a lot, from humility to anger to the corporate culture, all that and more has been this crash course of mine. And there is new things still to be learnt. Am I happy? Yes, I am happy with the work that i have done here.
But I am not happy leaving. I would hate going back after all that I have achieved here. The worth of a man, I believe is judged by the work that the man is doing. This has not, will not, and was never a criteria for selecting a worthy man in NUJS. Like my diatribe on the Yahoo Groups, I would reiterate my stand on the matter. In NUJS, the only thing that works is money. You got money? wow, you are my best friend. You haven't got money? Bad luck pal, please move ahead in life. This line is busy as far as you are concerned. Thanx for calling!!!
I believe that a spade is a spade is a spade. Some say I am brutal. Some say I am animalistic. Some say I am cruel. To all those who do, I have just one question to ask, have you been raped by your own cousin? If you haven't, shut up. If you have, instead of asking me why I am doing whatever I am doing, ask yourself why you are such a wimp and prefer to sit there sucking your popsicle, never desirous of leaving your thunmb rule go...
Some even have questions as stupid as "The blog is a public forum, you dont feel ashamed of writing all this here?", looking at me as if I am a lolly-tongued alien waiting for the right guy to come along and allow myself to devour him. To all those who do, I have just one question. Why should I be ashamed? I have nothing to be ashamed of. I was a kid, what? about five, six??? Screw the meaning of sex, I didnt even have erections then man!! Guess I was the vulnerable one... still remember the hissing voice telling me "Dont tell anybody, I have a nice game... come here, I would show you..." Titillating? I guess not... Disgusting? You bet...
Now that this guy (Yeah, it was a guy) is married, I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him for making me touch him. I hate him for groaning as he came into my palm. I hate him from the bottom of my heart. It is just that its all so pointless. I could kill him, now and here. I could finish of with the demons inside me. What would it gain? He's got a kid now. She does not have anything to do with it. Why should I punish her? But there is something that I would do. I will destroy him, financially, morally... With each passing day, the fire just grows stronger. All pervading. All consuming.
I WILL SEE THE END OF YOU.
I guess this is a purgatory, a place where I cleanse myself of my sins. A place which is registered exclusively for those times when I wanna let loose some. No offence to anybody in particular, but this mothafucking world sucks man...
But on the other hand, I do believe that good people do exist in this world. There are people there who are ready to die (yeah, I am talking literal here) for you. And it is those times when it gladdens your heart. I dont quite know what it is in people to be good in such times of evil, but there are. I am not a philosopher. I do not have a stone, neither do I perform voodoo. I am not evil. I am just defensive. Is that my fault? Naah, I dont think so. That cant be so. I cant be crucified for being a kid... if I was sexually appealing to a guy who was about three times my age, am I responsible?
Which brings me to the topic of Child Sexual Abuse. It is fashionable to talk about CSA. It is fashionable to talk about what the children might have gone through after that incident. How she might be talking to the voices in her head. How she must be cringing every time anyone touched her. How she would get afraid to get into the shadows. All of that, while being true, is just that, fashionable. It makes me mad when people say that he is an activist for children's causes. They are not. They cannot be. Only people who have gone through the experience can speak of it. And live to tell the tales. That is the raeson why I believe it should never be under cloaks. Throw off the shackles of inhibition, those who have gone through the times, and speak about it. Scream, shout, tell the world what happened to you. Take a stand, like I took a stand. There would always be people who believe you. There would always be souls who share your pain, your surges, your agony.
What sets me apart from all the others is the fact that I have had the time of my life, even with the demons in my head. It has been painful. But I guarantee you all this time, the pain is not yours all the time. There would be others who have the same pain. They understand. And believe me, they love you. Be bold. If you cannot shout anywhere else, shout in the anonymity of the web.
It helps, believe me.
Love, laughter n keep the Faith