Saturday, September 03, 2005


"Let me write today for none's sake,
Let me write for my own.
Let nobody read.
I dont want to be popular.
I dont want to be admired.
I just want to be happy.
Is that too much to ask?
Perhaps that is so.
Perhaps it is.
Happy are very few.
The lucky few do not want me to join the elite club.

The Idiot

I do not know why I write. Maybe it is to get some things out of my system.

I have been listening to LRB over the past few days continuously. The tune is haunting me. I have been very very down over the past few days, consistently. Yet another day has passed, where I have, for the first time in months, been a bad boy, done bad things, and had a lousy time.

Missing Bubba. Me and Bubba talk everyday, and I like talking to her. She helps me unwind, and she's really really concerned about me. The way she scolds me, I think its just her that I allow to be scolded and get away with.

Bubba thinks I am still in love with Hermione. Bubba, if you are reading this, NO I AM NOT. I was in love with her, true, but that was a long time ago. She's gone now. For ever and ever. I dont wanna say anything more. I know people have been bad, and I know people have done things which they should have not.

But its not fair. Why do I have to go through this all the time? Why is it that I lost my heart yet again? Why this pain, yet again? I will not stop talking to her.

I will not, absolutely. Am I being selfish? Maybe I am, but I have the right to be happy too, you know.

I know that she can give me happiness. She does, what more can I ask, (aww hell, even expect?) from her. The amount she has done for me, even after everything, is phenomenal. I cant imagine myself standing in her shoes, being as brave as she is. And I cant believe just how brave she is.

One thing that I consistently say to other people when they ask me how I am is something that Tania had on her blog. "Me? Me only in love at the moment!".

Lois Lane says that she's gonna go around with me pretty soon.

I just ask, "Whats in a name?". Whether we term it as a "boyfriend-girlfriend" relationship or a "friendship". I believe that at the end of the day, its still a friend first, and then a "relationship". And I know that I have been a good friend to her. I know that I have tried my level best to help her out and never to hurt her. I cannot, even in my dreams.

Freud says that when we say that "I cannot do that, even in my dreams", it does carry some meaning. It means that even subconsciously I cannot hurt or touch her. Ad, you are gonna pay for what you have done to me. Because of you, she does not trust people. In a way, its good, not to trust anyone. People are not trustworthy. Rather than trusting people and later having her trust broken, it is infinitely better not to trust at all. That way, she would be safe.

I tremember something that Bhagya had told me once. This world has very very bad people. I agree. Everybody is not a William Chaucer, you know. Bubba, the world is full of bad people. But I am someone whom you can trust. I am one of the good guys. I would kill myself before someone touches you, I would bite off or cut if the hand of any person who would dare touch you.

Baby wont you tell me why,
There is sadness in your eyes,
I dont wanna say goodbye to you.

I cant, I really can't. And this time, I am not gonna lose her.. I am going to stand by whatever decision she makes. If that means I cannot settle down, and she is happy that way, so be it. Her happiness comes first.

I want her to be happy.

I really do. The first person I want to talk to in the morning is her and the last person whom I want to talk to before I go to sleep is her. I wish she would take care of herself. I would never ever leave her. Never.

I had made a promise to myself long back, and I would keep the promise. If not for anyone else, for myself, and for her. She would not feel alone again. I promise.

The trouble is, I want myself to be happy too. That is something which is out of the question now. Please note, NOW. I sure hope that everything turns out for the better. The everending hope that has kept me going uptil now has faced greater tests of my faith. This one, I wold succeed.

I dont really know what it is that makes me write. Maybe Laxman was right. Maybe it is cathartic. Maybe its that fear, deep down inside, that tells me, even when I have proved others wrong.

What I believe in is false, an actuality of a proposed reality.

And I cant help but fall in love, yet again.

Love, laughter n keep the Faith


1 comment:

Rusha said...

Sometimes ..the things you write..seem so true for me...way you love...but then..the way love is the way all lovers are...


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