Monday, March 06, 2006

No more method...

It is 3:21 in the morning, but I cannot sleep. I havent slept in the past 48 hours. I do not know what has come over me. I just cannot slow down in the past few days.

Meaningless voices creep up from the speakers. I am barely able to discern the words from each other. Exhausted, but just not enough to kill me. There is life in me still.

Have been listening to the same song around 20000 times. Would go mad soon. I do not drink, I havent fagged in like 3 hours, which is like a lifetime for me. I am on edge. I can literally feel my blood curdling. How the f*** am I expected to continue like this?

The hunger is perhaps the only thing that is keeping me awake. My constitution is f***ed. Mom says that I do not have that robust physique any more. True, my body has always been a machine, but I think that I am pushing its limits. However, it sometimes feel like a taut string, held on end with a boq, ready to be launched. Had gone to Gariahat too, to meet with Arindam. God bless him. May he be the conqueror of a thousand hurdles. I know he can, if he puts his mind to it.

Sometimes, I feel like giving it all up. But then, I have been part of the system for so long that I know that I cannot give it up. Try as I might, I have become what I have fought all this while, a slave to the machine. Nirvana would not come easy. However, it would, I expect so.

This is one of those times when my mind feels as heavy as lead, but the speed at which my fingers type overtakes all of those thoughts, and write, or rather, once had the capacity to spew venom. Those same fingers have mellowed down, substantially so.

It is 3:32, and I still do not feel exhaustion overcome me. I do not expect myself to sleep today too. That makes it 3 days a row when I did not sleep. Yet people, people who speak to me daily cannot make out the difference in my voice. It is as fresh as ever, as powerful as ever.

Roobaroo, Roshni

The same goddamned awesome song has been playing for like ages now. At the present moment, cannot distinguish between the words. Gotta change the song.

God. I love her. If anybody ever tries to take her away from me, he (or she) is gonna face my wrath. God help him (or her).

Love, laughter n keep the Faith


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